To the girl who loves writing letters

Hey,

I know you have always loved letters, especially hand-written ones. Well, I agree; they are indeed unique. You may not have received many of them, but I know you still cherish the ones that you received. To me, they symbolize effort, patience, love, and warmth. More than the content, this is what makes them close to my heart.

My journey with letters started when I was around 3, just a toddler. Whenever my mom wrote letters to my grandparents, I told her that I too wanted to write. Well, I could hardly pronounce words or speak proficiently. The funny part is that she used to let me write. Back then, it used to be inland letters, a sheet of paper of fixed dimensions where you write the address on one side, and on the other, you write the content. So, at the end of each letter, my mom left a small space for me to add my writing. But I did not know how to write; still, I had too many stories to tell my grandparents. I guess nothing could stop a determined toddler. Each sentence used to be a circle; let’s call it my script. By the time I finished writing, the bottom part of the inland letter would be full of circles. My mom used to post them, and I have no idea what my grandparents could understand.

Recently, I came across one of those letters; yes, they still had it. I was happy to see those circles because I could imagine the excitement of 3-year-old me. I could sense the warmth and love I had felt while writing those letters—well, circles. It’s been years since I wrote a letter. It’s all about emails and chats now, and why not? They are convenient. But recently, I saw an Instagram profile that encouraged sending handwritten letters, and it reminded me of how much I love them. I cannot send out letters now, so I thought of writing them here. So this will be a series of letters addressed to those individuals I believe should receive them. It’s also a way for me to connect with myself.

Love & warmth,

The nostalgic self

Finding the expresso machine for my emotions

For the longest time, I believed that showing vulnerability or expressing one’s emotions indicated weakness. Emotional dependence, empathy, and emotional stability are all different aspects of the spectrum. I feared sharing my emotions would easily allow people to see through me and discern the plethora of thoughts and ideas brewing in my mind. I wished to be noticed, yet I did not want to be on display.

I’m someone who experiences a flood of emotions, even over seemingly insignificant events. A glimpse of a beautiful flower on my way to the office can keep me happy for the entire day. I can be disappointed if you forget to wave to me when you usually do. A disinterested response while I’m recounting the events of my day can easily annoy me. I’m nothing but a whirlpool of emotions. To be overwhelmed, to accept a compliment, to realize the subtle hints of mistreatment, to differentiate between love, kindness, and aloofness — never has it been easy to understand any of the complexities we keep adding to our lives.

I have struggled to contain my emotions and refrain from burdening those around me, constantly striving to strike the right balance in understanding what needs to be done. What I failed to grasp at the time was that, in my efforts to restrain myself, I wasn’t just limiting my right to express but also denying others what they rightfully deserve – whether to know how much happiness they have filled me with or how much self-doubt and misery they have inflicted upon me. Just as we tailor coffee to match someone’s preferred strength, we should engage with others, recognizing their worth and what they deserve.

Along the way, I learned that expressing oneself is never a crime. Crying in front of someone used to feel like the ultimate loss of strength, but now I realize smiling when content, laughing when happy, and crying when sad is just normal behavior. Do I not falter? Do I not have outbursts? Do I expect you to heal me without knowing my traumas? Yes, I do, but I am also a work in progress. I work towards healing, figuring out, and guiding myself towards a better future.

It took me a long time to understand the fine line between expressing oneself and unloading emotions on others. We all crave to be heard and seen, even in moments of silence or absence. But nobody possesses the innate skills to understand another without being told. I am still learning, and there are days when I don’t live up to my ideals and give up on my learning. I still fall apart while expressing myself. We each have our taste in coffee, and all we need to do is find the perfect roast of beans.

Navigating through reality and hopes

Recently, I was posed with a question: How can one recognize genuineness? It had me thinking. I am not someone who trusts easily, nor do I grant my trust hastily. For a long time, I have built walls around me and fortified my defenses like stone castles. I wanted people to prove themselves worthy of it. However, lately, I find myself becoming more welcoming as the walls have begun to crumble away. Reflecting on those thoughts, I found myself pondering whether genuineness is truly attainable.

Even if someone bares their soul or if we acquire superpowers to read people’s minds, I don’t think we will ever truly grasp their true feelings. We believe what we choose to believe. All we can do is try our best to identify facades and masks, but in the end, trust is a dance between hope and skepticism. Sometimes, we allow ourselves to take that leap of faith and embrace what is presented to us. It all comes down to the point when we choose to let go of all the questions and uncertainties and delve into what they offer, believing it to be true.

We hope, pray, and believe with all the strength we possess so that we aren’t disappointed. Despite thinking it through a million times, we still consider all the permutations and combinations before diving into that whirlpool of emotions. Ultimately, when we do, we do it with all our hearts. We never know what awaits us, but all we hope for is the dream we’ve lived a thousand times to turn into reality. A reality that we’ve promised ourselves.

Amidst all this, we trust, believe, and let ourselves get engulfed by the present. We might never be oblivious, but we put our guards down at some point, wishing to be nurtured and caressed. I guess we might never be able to realize whether something is genuine, but we choose to believe it to be. If it is ever genuine, our belief will be strengthened and will then become the cause of our happiness.

Chasing Perfections

Why are we always running in the pursuit of perfection? Does it even exist? I often buy things that bring me joy because they make me feel like I own those happy moments. However, I refrain from using most of them; instead, I securely store them, keeping them untouched. Why is it that I don’t use them? Am I scared that the wear and tear will wreck them? Why do we live in the apprehension of ruining something? Why does the fear of disappointment always pull us back from living to the fullest? In the dread of something unknown, why do we miss out on the joy that is present?

The books I buy are to be written in, the clothes I purchase are to be worn, and the emotions I feel are to be expressed. Why do I restrict myself? Why am I depriving others of what they deserve? Why wait for the flower to bloom when you can be a part of it right from when it is a bud? The only answer I have is that I may be afraid of bursting the bubble of perfection — an idea constructed upon countless expectations and demands.

Building a comfortable space around all those tiny things that make us feel merrier, we embrace them and leave behind things that engulf us with anger. Perhaps we are searching for imperfections to discover how much of it we can accept. As we evolve in life, so do our ideals and thoughts. While learning all these traits and decoding the silences, we come across those tiny moments of bliss that lead us toward our idea of perfection.

What I consider perfect may appear bizarre to someone else. The things that fill me with awe might leave someone else perplexed. Perfection is merely an idea, and we all have our versions of it. Sometimes, we borrow others’ ideas and spend our lives hoping to find them. Lately, I have realized that, for me, it is a wide range, a blend of genuineness, warmth, compassion, and peace.

Perfections are always bound to standards and expectations, but imperfections are free from all those norms. They evolve and take forms that we least expect, but to see them grow into something that we have always wished for is solace. I hope to explore new dimensions of joy and fulfillment, steering clear of unrealistic ideals. I sure shall make mistakes, but this time around, I hope not to be afraid.

To the one who is seeking reassurance

Hey,

I know it might seem overwhelming. Everything appears straightforward yet complex, or is it the other way around? Various opinions and suggestions have been flying around, creating a sense of you being all over the place. Your mind is filling up with questions, and you wonder if there are enough answers. However, let’s take a moment to pause and tune into that inner voice.

I understand that you seek reassurance, but it’s not always the world’s responsibility to provide it. Sometimes, you have to find reassurance within yourself. Not all questions come with ready-made answers; some require discovery along the way. Now, do not present me with that book on damage control. While preparation is essential, let’s not forget that you first should start traversing the road. I have always advised you to be aware of the distinction between seeing what you want to see and seeing things for what they are. I understand that you will never be blinded, which is why I ask you to be vigilant—not just for signs of possible danger but also for the silver linings.

You’ve always been the person who keeps her armor close by. Even while being hard on yourself, you were always protective of your emotions. You don’t always need your weapons ready with your vulnerabilities hidden in an iron shell. Not everything is a battle you need to fight; sometimes, life can offer you a journey to find new meanings. Listen to yourself a bit more than you listen to others. The future remains unknown, but seek out its promises. After all the calculations and drawing Venn diagrams, what is it you truly feel?

The world around you could be chaotic, so let’s not turn deaf to the voice of reasoning. There are always two sides to the coin, yet we still take our chances. Awaken the poet in you and travel the road not taken. Like I always say, go easy on that dreamy part of you. She deserves to be happy; never is it a sin to dance out of joy. I know you can smile, but it’s okay to laugh too. No matter what, I will always be here—to lend my shoulder, whether for warmth, to celebrate, or to step on and march forward. I’ll always be ready with that extra cup of hot chocolate.

support & chocolates,
A reassuring self

Mosaic

As usual, I was scrolling through Instagram when a reel caught my attention. It was more of a gratitude and appreciation post for the friendships we all have in our lives. What struck me was this particular line in the voice-over. And, just as you might have guessed, I started thinking. Well, as long as thinking isn’t taxable, my will is my command.

We have come across a lot of people in our lives. Some turned out to be friends, and some turned out to be family. With certain people, it is an instant connection that helps us shed all our guards and insecurities. This group of people often fascinates me because it’s surprising how we feel understood and comfortable with them. Then there are the slow burners; we never know when they grew so close to us. We unknowingly start picturing them in our future, even while knowing the unpredictability of the future. They are so much a part of our lives that they have seen us grow into the person we are today. We often take them for granted, knowing they are here to stay.

Then there are people whom we once called our friends, confidantes, or even soulmates, who gradually fade into the realm of memories. They leave us with bittersweet memories. They are the ones who once made us happy and eventually taught us what we now call life lessons. In most cases, they will have no idea how much they have contributed to shaping the person we are today. Whenever they come to our minds, they bring a smile to our faces, tinged with a hint of disappointment. Then come the people who were so adept at creating pesky impressions. For some reason, we get this feeling that they are not the best for us and that they will mess up. They leave us feeling proud that our intuitions were precise.

There are also people we couldn’t connect with. I often think about what could have been if we had seized the opportunity to get to know them better or given them another chance. It’s nothing but a whole other loop of what-if scenarios. Then there is this set of people who just passed through our lives. All we would have had with them would be a few fleeting encounters. We don’t know them enough, but some of their actions or words may have touched our lives so profoundly that they changed our thought process.

I cannot forget any of these people because I carry them in my memories. I am reminded of one or the other every day. They give me perspectives; they let me introspect about why I am the way I am. My actions are a reflection of all the experiences I have had with these people. In some cases, they are burdens of the past, while in others, they are a sack full of wisdom. They are a part of me, and I honestly do not know if it is good or bad. All of this makes me truly resonate with the line from the reel – ‘I am a mosaic of all the people I have known.’

To the one who is afraid to smile

Hey,

Do you know when a person is the most beautiful? It is when one smiles straight from the heart, devoid of any worries or anxiousness. I saw you trying to smile but noticed your eyes welling up with tears. I wanted to hug you tight, but I understood that you might burst into tears, and that’s not what you would have wished for then. Nonetheless, you should know that I’m here for you whenever you’re ready. You don’t have to share anything, and I won’t ask any questions. I’m here to listen whenever you feel like confiding in me.

It is natural to have bad days, and all of us are looking for a ray of hope in anything that comes across us. I know you are afraid, and I also know that you are anxious. I am not here to ask you to run the extra mile or do anything to take your mind off whatever that is worrying you. I know you are doing everything it takes to get yourself back on your feet. All your hard work and struggles are recognized, and do not let anyone, not even your self make you feel any less validated.

What I wish for you is to never disconnect with your happy self. I’ve seen that side of you – the radiant, loving, and innocent version. You have no idea how much I have been waiting to meet that version of yours again, to tell you how much it means to me to see you happy. While you may not have been the most enthusiastic person, you always had a zest for life. Amidst all this, I do not want you to be distant from yourself. I know how it feels when all you have is hope, and all you long for is that hope to come true. All of us are fighting battles of our own. I don’t want you to lose yourself in the process. All that we try and do is to make sure we get past this.

You may win the battle, but if you’ve lost your spirit, then it will be in vain. It is those tiny moments of joy that will fuel your vigor to fight. Refusing those moments of happiness won’t lead to a meaningful victory. Do not persuade yourself that you’re undeserving of it. The smile that lights up your face despite all the chaos within you is the silver lining you are looking for. I am here to pick you up when you fall, pat you on the back when you win, and rejoice when you celebrate. No matter what happens, I’ll always be with you, and that’s a promise for eternity.

Hugs & reassurances,
A loving friend

To the one who is in search of a reset button

Hey,

I know you would have thought about this at least once. What if you get to reset everything and start afresh? Well, it is tempting, but what would you have done differently? Would you have been more cautious, more understanding, less judgemental, more practical, or more impulsive? Well, the what-if scenarios never end. Everytime I get posed with an inconvenience, I wonder if I would get a chance to change everything, things that I think went wrong in the past.

We are generally very hard on ourselves, at least I am. We can be our worst critics, but we often take a step back to give ourselves credit where it’s due. I have seen people who themselves are their biggest cheerleaders, and I wonder whether things are easy for them. Well, we never know. Sometimes, we should cut ourselves some slack even while being the worst critic. Maybe it’s not the past that we need to change but ourselves.

All those things that you think you might do differently now, what age were you then? What did you even know about the world? If you think about it, it is those things that made you the person you are today. I am not asking you to sweep your past actions under the rug. The very fact that you are retrospecting them and that it helps you introspect your thoughts now is the biggest takeaway.

I know all this would not make sense when you are having a bad day and are holding yourself responsible for your actions. But give yourself some time. When your mind is clear of all the self-criticism, self-loathing, and judgments, think about ways to rectify them. Look for ways to shed that baggage, move forward, and help yourself. One should be responsible and accountable towards oneself but do not forget you are human too.

Not even for a second should you think that it is just you. I was in pursuit of this reset button for a long time, and sometimes I still am. But deep down, we do know that it doesn’t exist. It is a matter of accepting it and finding the strength to face things the way they are. I know how easy it is to preach these things, but if only you can exercise them at least once, it will bring you hope. As everyone says, nothing is constant, and things will keep changing. When you get the opportunity to change and do things differently, grab that chance. I believe it is your past that makes you the person you are today, and it is your present that makes you who you will be in the future. Let’s not lose out on a better tomorrow by holding onto the past, for there is no reset button, only a future yet to be built.

Supportive & understanding,
A work-in-progress self

Just Another Day

Autumn is here. I think it is a bit late this year. I took a stroll today. Well, I had to go to the supermarket to buy some groceries. But yeah, why not romanticize life a little? There is a church near my house, and today, there seemed to be some ceremony because there were several people present. Right when I reached in front of the church, there was a cold breeze, and leaves started flying around. It was as if the branches were dancing to the music created by the breeze. Some leaves did get tangled in my hair, but it felt good. It wasn’t dark as the sun hadn’t set.

The sky was pretty clear, and it was as if somebody had oil painted with shades of blue. On the way, a tree-lined path led to the campus buildings. The signal had turned green for the vehicles, and we pedestrians had to wait until it turned red to cross the road. Surprisingly, I did not feel annoyed; it seemed as if the green signal was glowing with the trees in the background. The cold breeze had a soothing effect on my senses, almost like a gentle embrace from nature. It amuses me how something as simple as the wind can have such a calming influence. While I have walked this path many times before, it was as if I was experiencing it with a fresh perspective.

When I brushed aside the strands of hair from my face, even though it was for a fleeting moment, I could sense the unadulterated joy that filled me. I was sure I would remember this moment for the next few days. There would have been countless such moments in life, but this time around, I chose to recognize it. I chose to make it a memory. It will remind me of the beauty and wonders that can be found in everyday life, even in the most familiar places.

Maybe nature was announcing the change of seasons. Most of the things look hopeful and poetic when the perspective changes. Sometimes, nature offers the best therapy one could ask for, providing us with serenity and solace. Maybe it was myself longing for some positivity. A moment of reflection and appreciation for things around us can change considerable things or even make us happy and bring a smile.

To the one with dreams, ambitions and wishes

Hey,

Everyone has dreams, and you too would have many. People often confuse dreams, wishes, and ambitions as the same thing. To me, they are all different. My ambition is to have a satisfying career, while my dream is to build a life together. My wishes can be categorized if I put them analytically. Some of them are common, like the ones everyone might have on their bucket list. But that is not what I want to tell you about. Do you also have these sets of wishes you know are so simple, yet not that simple? You want to live them, but you cherish the idea of them so intensely that you are scared if they happen, you might no longer be able to hold on to them. Does it even make any sense? Well, I don’t know.

I have a set of fancy wishes that I hold close to me. I live them vicariously. Whenever I have a bad day or feel filled with some kind of nostalgia, I think about these little wishes of mine. They’re not huge; they’re tiny things that make me feel good. They help me escape into another world where I’m not bound by my everyday problems. They take me to a world where I can smile without the uncertainty of what will happen next, where I don’t need to fear judgment.

If I were to think about it, I could easily make them come true, but I feel I might lose the warmth or the hope of a future once I fulfill them. They provide me with comfort, which keeps me going, and the motivation to be a better person. Sometimes, it is the idea of the wish we love that we create a delusion around it. We brew stories and hypothesize. I could make them all happen, and there isn’t anything stopping me, but somehow, I am in love with their idea that I fear losing it.

You might think I’m insane or borrowed some fanciful idea from the novels I’ve read. But I feel this is what makes me the person I am. If you give it some thought, you might also have such weird little wishes you hold so close to you that you have fallen in love with them. If they materialize, they might not live up to the standards you set, and they might disappoint you. It might not make any sense, but you cherish the idea so much that you are scared that you will be left with nothing, without any hope.

Procastinating & hopeful
A dreamy self

To the one who has it all figured out

Hey,

I enjoy reading books, and currently, I have many books at home, all written in a language I do not know. There are books written in English available online, books that I have wish-listed. However, I find happiness just looking at these books, knowing I cannot read them until I learn the language. This is precisely how I prioritize and choose among things.

Am I missing the obvious? Why am I searching for hidden words when there is hardly any meaning? Why do I tend to exaggerate the smallest of things while I ignore well-stated facts? Why do I oscillate between fiction and reality when I am well aware of the bridge between them?

I want to dance. I want to scream out loud. I want to run. I want to fly. I want to breathe. My hands are tied, my legs are numb, and not a word comes out of my mouth while I wait to bare my soul. All it takes is just a word, but you do not know the struggle that lies behind it.

It all seems simple yet complicated. I am constantly revisiting the past and continuously being anxious about the future. Amidst all this, I forget the present, the only reality that matters. I ask myself if this is what I want or what it is that I want. I seek answers, yet I see no solutions.

Do you have it all figured out? How does it feel not to worry about uncertainties? Is it as simple as saying, ‘Don’t be anxious about the future, just relax’? People often advise taking risks, but I find myself torn between practicality and romanticizing life. I yearn for days when I don’t merely live vicariously but make my dreams a reality. Does a perfect balance even exist? I’m not fragile, but I can break too. I’m not running away; I fulfill my responsibilities by doing chores and paying my bills. I’m not oblivious, and what I need isn’t a reality check. What I long for is a smile, a pat on the back, and reassurance that I’m not the only one, that I am not alone.

Lost & yearning,
A tired soul