For the longest time, I believed that showing vulnerability or expressing one’s emotions indicated weakness. Emotional dependence, empathy, and emotional stability are all different aspects of the spectrum. I feared sharing my emotions would easily allow people to see through me and discern the plethora of thoughts and ideas brewing in my mind. I wished to be noticed, yet I did not want to be on display.
I’m someone who experiences a flood of emotions, even over seemingly insignificant events. A glimpse of a beautiful flower on my way to the office can keep me happy for the entire day. I can be disappointed if you forget to wave to me when you usually do. A disinterested response while I’m recounting the events of my day can easily annoy me. I’m nothing but a whirlpool of emotions. To be overwhelmed, to accept a compliment, to realize the subtle hints of mistreatment, to differentiate between love, kindness, and aloofness — never has it been easy to understand any of the complexities we keep adding to our lives.
I have struggled to contain my emotions and refrain from burdening those around me, constantly striving to strike the right balance in understanding what needs to be done. What I failed to grasp at the time was that, in my efforts to restrain myself, I wasn’t just limiting my right to express but also denying others what they rightfully deserve – whether to know how much happiness they have filled me with or how much self-doubt and misery they have inflicted upon me. Just as we tailor coffee to match someone’s preferred strength, we should engage with others, recognizing their worth and what they deserve.
Along the way, I learned that expressing oneself is never a crime. Crying in front of someone used to feel like the ultimate loss of strength, but now I realize smiling when content, laughing when happy, and crying when sad is just normal behavior. Do I not falter? Do I not have outbursts? Do I expect you to heal me without knowing my traumas? Yes, I do, but I am also a work in progress. I work towards healing, figuring out, and guiding myself towards a better future.
It took me a long time to understand the fine line between expressing oneself and unloading emotions on others. We all crave to be heard and seen, even in moments of silence or absence. But nobody possesses the innate skills to understand another without being told. I am still learning, and there are days when I don’t live up to my ideals and give up on my learning. I still fall apart while expressing myself. We each have our taste in coffee, and all we need to do is find the perfect roast of beans.
coffee table 